I’m stuffing my face with Cadbury dairy milk chocolate and scrolling through dating apps- 2020 covid style- whilst sitting at home alone, as usual. It’s one day to New Year’s Eve and we are all ready to kiss the unpredictable year of 2020 goodbye. I started 2020 on a crowded dance floor- sweating and grooving with a crowd to live music – 365 days later- no one can: dance, sing or even hangout without feeling like you are in a weird ultra conservative matrix style town. 2020 will be known as the year a virus made us all understand and practise the words sanitise, isolation- ‘iso’ and wfh- work from home. 2020 has taught me to be more thankful than usual yet it’s also frustrated the hell out of me- made me appreciate more fully that I live where I do-but magnified to the maximum just how ‘alone’ I am in my world. I’m single and 2020 has been a year that has caused me to slide sideways- ever so slowly- into the muddied feeling of loss.
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result and I think I’m starting to feel that perhaps I’m never meant to actually meet anyone decent, genuine, kind and normal- and I mean mostly ‘normal’ for a relationship. 2020 has been the year that potential dates became even more difficult to find. Actually meeting someone for a potential relationship now I’m in my fifties has become seemingly almost impossible and a covid year has made it a really tough year by all accounts for everyone. As if it wasn’t difficult enough being on the wrong side of 50 let alone throwing covid into the dating mix.
Surely, it cannot be this hard yet it seems the men I like are not into me and vice versa. Obviously I’m not hanging out in the right online apps nor enough real places, to meet a supposed ‘man to date’ and to add salt to my wounds my ex-husband, the father of my children, actually remarried for the third time a couple of days ago.
Can you hear me yelling ‘fuck’ loudly and with conviction from the mountain where I live.
Cheers to 2021- farewell 2020- hopefully I’ll find someone to maybe go on more than two dates with. Someone who likes me for me. Marriage is the last of my aspirations- or for that matter intentions in life- actually having a man ask me out to a real dinner and be willing to converse, is all I’m hoping for in 2021. Someone who can text more than ‘hey’- isn’t threatened by the fact I’m independent and intelligent and actually wants to do this thing called life with me. Seriously I’ve almost given up on the male demographic that is 40-60 years old.
If anyone can educate me on why I seem to have failed in securing a decent male in my life to share the good and bad please let me know- I mean it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Please nicely break it to me. Obviously I have missed the memo on what everyone else in my life seems to have worked out. Can you all share with me how to find and secure a man who actually loves you?
You know it’s bad dating wise when in your thoughts for a small moment you consider the merits of auditioning for a reality tv show.
I’ll be farewelling 2020 over dinner with my beautiful single daughter before she heads off to a five person party and the only kissing I’ll be doing this year is kissing the shitty ass moments of the year 2020 goodbye.
Liv 
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